Jokes in Shmita Shiur

On Sundays at Yeshivat Petach Tikva I go to a shiur on shemita with Rav Gil. He told a few jokes in shiur today.

He told the one about the psak not to smoke which in the American version goes
After it was decided it that smoking was against Halacha (which it of course is [even if you are addicted]) the Orthodox, Conservative and Reform Rabbis get together to decide what to do.
The Reform Rabbis simply decide that since this is a Halachik ruling they can ignore it.
The Conservative Rabbis decide that from now on Conservative Rabbis will no longer smoke.
The Orthodox Rabbis decide that before a Jew may smoke he must sell his lungs to a Non-Jew.

The Israeli version which doesn't play on movements that don't exist in Israel, simply has a guy taking a neder (oath) not to smoke. Making the same point about the legal fiction of Matana Al Minat L'Hachzir (A gift on the condition of return) and the general idea of selling Hametz on Pesach.
This of course relevant to Heter Mechira. Some Talmidim were complaining about it, so he said everyone sells hametz on pesach, and eats hametz that was sold by big companies over pesach.

Then the other really good joke which has a good moral that he told goes as follows:
A rav of a town was very respected and served his congergation day and night. After many years this exuasted him so he decided to go on a short vacation. The community was petrefied, what would they do without the Rav. As the Rav leaves he gives intsturctions as to how to check if meat is kosher. He tells them to throw any questionable meat to his dog. My dog is smart he says, he knows you are supposed to throw treif meat to the dogs, so if he knows its treif he will eat it. If he doesn't' eat it, then its kosher. After a few weeks teh Rav comes back and everyone is so happy to see him. The first thing they say to the Rav on his return is: "We are so glad to have you back, your dog is so machmir!(gives strict rulings)"... Which goes to teach any old dog can be machmir, but it takes a real Rav to be meikil.

And just to add in a joke which reminded me that I wanted to post this, from MomInIsrael

A girl comes to her father and announces her marriage plans. When the father asks the boy's occupation, the girl tells him that he is a chazan (cantor). The father says, "No daughter of mine will marry a chazan!" The girl and her mother cry and beg, but the father is adamant. He won't consider a chazan for his daughter. Finally, they convince him to go to shul to hear the potential chassan (groom) in action. After the davening the father comes to his daughter and wishes her mazel tov. The daughter, delirious with joy, asks her father what changed his mind about her intended. He replied, "I heard him, and he's no chazan!"

(Unfortunately, the bar mitzvah speaker who originally told this joke concluded by saying that the bar mitzvah boy was also no chazan, but had other wonderful qualities!)

Off to the Trail

I will be backpacking for the next week, so there goes nay hope for me updating the blog.

Meanwhile I will leave some questions for people to ponder:

How should one view the "kiruv" of Jews to non-observant but involved Judaism, and why?

Which is more important: Kiruv Rechokim (bringing those who are far close to Judaism) or Kiruv Krovim (bringing those who are close into a real care and vibrancy about Judaism)

Why is Jewish sovereignty in the Land of Israel important (imagine in theory Jews could live in Israel peacefully under foreign rule)?

Does a Jewish democracy have din malchut, if not is a theocracy (more accurately a monarchy becuase the kohen kadol/ Av beit din) is the religious leader the ideal?

Is it a form of tzedakah to save the environment?

If your brother has a flu and your neighbor is getting a stroke, who do you deal with first? If a Jewish person has the flu and a non-Jew is getting a stroke who do you deal with first?

Should the a government be responsible for needs beyond basic necessities of life towards its citizens?

Should the Israeli government be a diffrent case becuase it is obligated to care for the Jewish people?

Is a representative democracy the same thing as the people?

If Am Yisrael is obligated to do something is the government obligated?

If you take in refugees to save lives, how do you draw the line at which you can't save more lives?

Is it better not to accept any refugees because you really can't help every single person in the world or is it better to set an arbitrary line?

How can you accept the 1000th person but not the 1001st?

If the lives were Jewish Lives would you act the same way? Is it ok if the answer to that was yes?

and a bonus:
What should be the place of Arab's in Israel (politically, socially etc)?

Is it (and if yes to what extent) is it ok to use psychological warfare in the occupation of the West Bank? If shooting at a blank wall in an Arab village will stop terrorists from shooting at nearby settlements for instance...or random arrests and detentions?

Is it ok for Jews to settle in the West Bank considering there are Arabs in Israel?

If the Palestinians view themselves as at war with Israel and some/most see it fit to resort to violence why is it wrong to play our side of the struggle and try to build on as much land(not that belongs to private Palestinians) as possible?

The YouTube of documents

I just found this website that lets you upload documents from almost any format and then converts them to PDF, Word and even audio. It does this for free, and you can set the document to public or private. If that weren’t enough you can also embed the document anywhere!
We are used to embedding videos, and this isn’t that different. It takes a bit of getting used to, but it is an amazing resource.

Like YouTube, it also will have copyright issues. I don’t know about you but I do have a problem with ripping, burning and downloading music illegally. I know almost everyone does it, and there have been many attempts to say that halakha doesn’t prohibit the practice. It’s interesting, the very same rabbis who complain about the slippery slopes in other areas will be the first to moreh heter for music and media. I am actually don’t have as much trouble with books. I know that for long books with large distribution that you want to actually read, you will want a real copy and support the author. For books with small distribution the royalties are tiny and it all goes to the publishing house. Why would I want to support a publishing house in its efforts to destroy forests? I still know its wrong to download copyrighted materials of the internet no matter what the format, but with google’s book project, and the access that we all have to public and academic libraries I know the lines are fuzzier here. At the end of the day I believe that data wants to be “free.” Not it the sense of zero-cost, but in the sense that it should be accessible to as any many people as possible without physical, technological or economic boundaries.
We have seen companies respond to the amazing ease with which it was possible to view and download their content. I am talking positive models, not suing YouTube. I mean things like opening up their databases to be people who want to view content and wouldn’t mind too much for a small fee to access content. Hopefully this will lead to the same results in print without all the road bumps. That looks unlikely to me, because despite the warning about copyright and some great documents that were out of copyright or not copyrighted, the site lets you upload anonymously. It’s too easy to upload things you shouldn’t be and have no responsibility.
Anyway for a positive use of Scribd, here is the diagram with text of the mishnah yevamot 4:7

Kaluach3 Funny Help

Kaluach3 is a program that besides helping you with the Jewish calendar also gives you complete customizable zmanim, daf yomi(bavli and Yesrushalmi), Mishna Yomi, Halakha Yomi, and Tanakh Yomi.

I was going to try to figure out how to use it with Google calendar, which I am now starting to use to keep track of where I will be when during ben hazmanim (intersession for Yeshiva). In the end I found the easiest way to get a Hebrew calendar, Hebrew dates, שבת times was by using hebcal which lets you export a calendar according to your specifications in either iCal or a CSV, which are both recognized by Google calendar.

But while searching the Help file of Kaluach3 I found some funny things, among the serious questions pertaining to how kaluach figures out the zmanim and the different halakhic shitot (opinions)

" - quote marks, used in rashei teivot (phrase contractions)

In Hebrew, phrase contractions are called rashei teivot, or "the first letters" (of the words in a phrase). Years ago they were commonly used to cut down the size of a book since printing was quite expensive and time consuming. Today, when printing is much cheaper, rashei teivot still appear in places where the context is clear, or in books that were printed using the original plates (or photocopies).

Rashei teivot are also commonly used by the Israeli army in order to obfuscate even the most trivial matters. It is common to receive an order to report to army reserves with a line, stating the objective, similar to this:
מטרה: שחיו"מ טב"י א:כ שטויות

It might look like this in English
Objective: tcx"e pi"w z"a nonsens"e

Upon calling the army to clarify, the usual answer is something like: "I'm not sure what it means, but I think you'll be doing guard duty or driving a jeep."

gehinnom - loosely translated as "hell"

This is a sort of holding tank where those whose fates have yet to be decided wait. Gehinnom physically resembles a dentist's office with Barry Manilow songs piped in 24 hours a day. Israelis wait in a separate room that resembles an Interior Ministry office with Tzvika Pik songs piped in. This is a place to be avoided at all costs.

tzaddikim - "the righteous ones"

Tzaddikim are those individuals that devote their lives to the service of the Almighty and to helping their fellow man. They also eat foods rich in fiber and don't put sugar on their grapefruit.

And after a long complicated explanation of shitot for tzeit hashabbat

David Kramer has suggested the inclusion of the "Egged tzeit Shabbat" (Egged is the major bus line in Israel). To the best of my knowledge, this is based solely on observation... If no one's looking, start the bus.

Its true that buses in Israel depending on which city they are in, do drive or don't, but Egged is no El-Al. Egged only runs buses 30 minutes after Shabbat goes out they say, but according to which shita?

And I'll end off with one funny mistake

In order to prevent desecration of Shabbat, the Chief Rabbinate decreed that the 27th of Nissan falls on Sunday, Yom Hashoah will be observed on Monday.

No, the Chief Rabbinate does not have the authority to fiddle with the calendar and decide that the 27th of Nissan will always fall on a Sunday.

Tefillin Advice from Facebook

It really is a problem that many people wear their tefillin incorrectly.

Have no fear, there is a facebook group here to save us from the falling tefillin:

My Tefillin Shel Rosh is not on my forehead!

The group has diagrams of correct tefillin positions and pictures of members with tefillin.

It is an open group, so as expected it includes women who wear tefillin, before you go crazy, just remember Rashi's daughters among many women who we have stories about wearing tefillin.

(EDIT - While many stories can not be varrified, one intresting one I suggest you look into is the story of Hannah Rochel Verbermacher, a Hasidic holy woman known as the Maiden of Ludmir)

Other controversies in the group include, the Lubavitcher Rebbe's tefillin placement:

R'Hillel Chayim Yisraeli (Israel) wrote
at 2:23am on March 9th, 2007

I have received my very first hate mail! Yay! I was criticized for the comments I made about Rabbi Schneerson's tefillin. Well, let me tell you, I'm proud of that! And Yes, my Hebrew IS good enough to understand what the Shulchan Arukh says about the proper place of the Shel Rosh! So, rebbe or no rebbe, halakhah is halakhah. Halakhah doesn't play favourites, my friends. A tzaddik is a tzaddik based on the halakhah he keeps, not the halakhah that he breaks. But this is what makes me a misnaged, I guess. Well, I'm proud of it.

More on that can be found here.
A great line is

If you think a dead man is the messiah, though, there's no point continuing this conversation since in my mind there's no difference between you and any other Christian.
And I'd rather be in the company of frum, tefillin-wearing women than a dead halakhah-breaking messiah.